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I am racist.

October 6, 2008 4 comments

According to the Associated Press, NYT, and Obama, I am racist.  They’re right.

I am racist against inexperience.
I am racist against deception.
I am racist against empty words.
I am racist against hatred of America.
I am racist against Socialism.
I am racist against sexism.
I am racist against murdering born babies.
I am racist against high taxes.

Am I racist against people based on the color of their skin?  No, not really.  But people who look to “race” to explain every single criticism of their candidate most certainly are.

Kathleen Sibelius discovers secret Obama code.

September 17, 2008 2 comments

It was just a normal press conference and Kathleen Sibelius was busy informing us that Obama is black:

Have any of you noticed that Barack Obama is part African-American? That may be a factor. All the code language, all that doesn’t show up in the polls. And that may be a factor for some people.”

Then, suddenly, a voice from behind the curtain rang out, “Kathleen, no! Don’t tell them about the code!”

Before anyone knew what had happened, black helicopters sprang up from behind a grassy knoll and men wearing all black jumped out and took Kathleen away.

What did she mean, “code language”? I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I approached a friend of mine who knew her well, asking him what she meant. He explained:

“She was referring to the secret code Republicans are using. Every time they use a magic secret code to remind people that Obama is black, it causes people to not vote for him.”

It didn’t make sense. I pried further:

“Wait, didn’t Kathleen herself just go out of her way to remind people Obama is black. And do voters really need to be reminded by “secret code” words to realize Obama has a dark appearance? On top of that, if these code words are “secret”, how the hell are the voters supposed to get the message? And one more thing, if these Republicans are using such powerful “code words”, why haven’t they gotten more of the vote?”

My friend was dumbfounded. He spoke haltingly, “Because, um, because, Obama is using code too! There, I said it! Are you happy now you dirty jew?”

I had no more to say to my old friend. Immediately I scoured every old video I could find of Obama giving speeches. I really didn’t know what to look for. After hours of listening to him drone on about hope and change and himself, the answer finally dawned on me:

The “uh”! Obama was using some sort of Morse-like “uh” code! After several hours of pattern checking, I discovered the following sequence:

Uh, uh….uh….uh, uh, uh….uh……..uh….uh, uh, uh….uh, uh, uh, uh….uh, uh

This exact sequence repeats OVER and OVER, whenever Obama isn’t using a teleprompter. After several more hours of code-breaking, I noticed that the frequency of the uh’s multiplied the span between them relative to the fraction of the total sequence gave small integer numerical values which correlated to certain letters. Put all together, the above pattern translates into:

“Vote for me, you idiot.”

So our Democratic friends are right – the entire election hinges entirely on secret subliminal messages sent by candidates to secretly hypnotize people into voting for them and informing them that Obama is black. One question remains – whose secret code language magic hypnotism words are better, McCain’s or Obama’s?

(Obama Supporters, this is satire.)

How to see racism anywhere. Part 2.

August 3, 2008 4 comments

In the previous installment of How to see racism anywhere, I introduced the importance of being able to detect racism anywhere, and provided some examples of this being done. In Part 2, we will discuss the three step method for locating racism and attacking people who don’t think like you once you find it.

Step 1

First, ask yourself, is Obama being criticized? If yes, then racism is present and those criticizing him are racists.

Step 2

You must find the racism in order to attack Obama’s critics. Let’s try another four examples. See if you can improve upon your score from Part 1. Find the racism in these four items:

“Obama plays basketball”.
“John McCain wears shoes”.
The word “dolphins”.
Sponges.

1. “Obama plays basketball”. This is a real easy one – I put it in there for those of you who may be struggling with the other examples. There is a strong stereotype that black people play basketball. Whenever this stereotype is reinforced with a sentence such as that one, black people all over the world are oppressed.

2. “John McCain wears shoes”. It doesn’t get much more racist than this. Shoes have long been considered a symbol of oppression. Just think of all those sayings, “Trampled underneath his feet”, “Getting stepped on”, “Just do it (buy nikes)” – all sayings indicating oppression. Clearly, John McCain wears shoes for the sole single purpose of oppressing black people. What other reason could he have to wear them?

3. The word “dolphins”. The Huffington Post recently discovered that certain words could be secret code words for other secret code words which are code for racism. For example, the word “arrogant” is secret code for “uppity” which is secret code for “keel all dem n***ers!” The word “dolphins” is no different. “Dolphin” is secret racist code for “porpoise” (dolphins are a type of porpoise) which is secret racist code for “mammals” (porpoises are a type of mammal) which is secret racist code for “raccoons” (which are a type of mammal) which is secret racist code for “coons” which is secret racist code for black people.

4. Sponges. Little exists on this world that is as racist as sponges. Do you remember Hurricane Katrina? A massive racist hurricane assaulted New Orleans, killing all black people inside, and forcing some black people to loot jewelry stores to survive. The racist sponge mimics this activity, when it wipes away dirt, which just to happens to be a dark texture like black people. This act is clearly meant to symbolize the dastardly times of Hurricane Katrina and to oppress black people by reminding them of that dark hour. Sponges are so racist, that every time you use one, God takes a perfectly good unborn black baby, rips it from its mother’s womb and kills it. Err, I mean, abortion clinics do that. Every time you use a sponge, a black baby is aborted. Black women make up 12% of the female population, yet account for 50% of abortions. Clearly racist sponges at work, oppressing them into abortions.

Sorry, got a little carried away on that last one. So, how’d you do this time? Get all four right? If not, you are a racist. If you’re still reading this, you are also a racist. Reading is racist. Moving on:

Step 3

Use the context, and mold it into an attack. If John McCain wore shoes while criticizing Obama’s flip flops on NAFTA, then attack McCain for racistly wearing such blatant symbols of oppression. If McCain releases an ad comparing Obama to other celebrities like Paris Hilton or Britney Spears, attack him for using white women and a black man in the same ad. If a McCain aide uses a sponge to clean up a small mess on a table, accuse him of trying to invoke Hurricane Katrina to scare black voters. Etc.

(Obama Supporters, this is satire.)

To be continued in Part 3…..

Categories: Obama Supporters, Race

How to see racism anywhere. Part 1.

August 3, 2008 2 comments

You may be asking yourself, “How can I see everything as being racially-tinged like the New York Times?” Indeed, for any good Obama Supporter, it’s important to see racism absolutely everywhere except within the Obama campaign. In this guide, I will show you how.

First, let’s try a quiz. I will list a few items, and you try and detect the racism in them:

“John McCain flew airplanes in vietnam.”
“Obama is smart”.
The word “the”.
Trees.

1. “John McCain flew airplanes in Vietnam.” This sentence reeks of racism. Everyone knows that pilots of all kinds deliberately avoid darker clouds, so-called “storms” or “thunderclouds” while making little or no effort to avoid fluffly white clouds. This is a clear assault on black people. We must demand affirmative action for the number of clouds of various colors that pilots fly into.

2. “Obama is smart”. Another racist sentence. By stating that Obama is smart, this sentence implies that such a thing needs to be said – that it would not be noticed otherwise. In other words, it’s unsual for a black person to be smart, so we require a sentence to inform us. That is incredibly racist.

3. The word “the”. A clearly racist word. It’s it made up the letters “t”, “h”, and “e”, which are all found in the word “white” but not in the word “black”. This word clearly prefers white over black. Definitely a racist word.

4. Trees. Sure, they may look innocent enough, but they also engage in shady activities like photosynthesis. Photosynthesis is a process in which the tree converts white light into energy. From this, we can conclude that the tree considers white light to be a valuable resource. The tree also provides shade, a form of darkness or “blackness”. The tree literally gives this darkness away, forcing us to conclude that it doesn’t think highly of it. Thus, the tree greatly prefers whiteness (light) over blackness (shade) and is, of course, racist.

So, how’d you do? Did you find racism in all four examples? If not, then you are a racist.

(Obama Supporters, this is satire.)

To be continued in Part 2…..

Categories: Obama Supporters, Race

NYT accidentally implies Democratic party is racist.

August 1, 2008 3 comments

Yesterday, the editorial board of the New York Times, claimed that McCain’s “Celebrity” ad was racially charged.  If you haven’t seen it yet, check it out for yourself to see if you detect blatant racism:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHXYsw_ZDXg

The NYT’s evidence that this ad is racist is thus:

The ad gave us an uneasy feeling that the McCain campaign was starting up the same sort of racially tinged attack on Mr. Obama that Republican operatives ran against Harold Ford, a black candidate for Senate in Tennessee in 2006. That assault, too, began with videos juxtaposing Mr. Ford with young, white women.

So, according to the New York Times, having black men and white women next to eachother is racist. In that case, we must also conclude that the Democratic party is also racist, for willfully putting a black man next to a white woman:

And not only that, they did it countless times on national television! That movie that came out recently, Hancock, put Will Smith (a black man) next to Charlize Theron (a white woman) on numerous occasions during the film. We must also conclude that that film is racist. In fact, I see black men standing next to white women all the time, sometimes even holding hands! Clearly these couples must be racist for standing next to each other. And you, oh reader, willfully visualized all of these black men and white women in your head as I described them. Therefore, you too are racist – but that’s ok, because the New York Times is on to you.

P.S. Obama Supporters, that last paragraph is satire.

Categories: John McCain, Obama, Race

America First, Race Second

June 26, 2008 3 comments

Some years ago, I was invited to a friend’s family barbecue. As we ate generous servings of chicken, hot dogs and mashed potatoes, a boxing match was taking place. The father of the family, being an apparent fan of boxing, followed the match eagerly as the two gladiators bobbed and weaved on his television screen. Though not a huge fan of boxing, I followed the rest of the family as they also sat down to observe the event.

It was between an American boxer of caucasian decent, and a foreign boxer of african decent. The father, being both black and American, had two obvious choices for his allegiance. Who did he pick to root for?

“Give ’em the stars and stripes!”

“Show ’em how we do things in America!”

He hooted and hollered at the television set, willing the American to victory. It was clear what choice he made. He decided he was an American first, and a black person second. Because it was a popular fight, there must’ve been similar scenarios all across America. White families gathered and rooted for the American yelling just as loudly. Hispanic families celebrated every punch the American boxer landed. Asian families, jewish families, people of all colors looked at their television screen and saw someone with whom they could identify in a struggle for survival, and found their only option was to lend him their enthusiastic support.

The choice that all these people made was a matter of allegiance. They chose America first, race second. That is the great unifying power of America.

But there is a major problem facing America today, and we find that problem in identity politics. Identity politicians are people who owe their allegiance to something other than America first, and try to use that as a way to drum up votes. Right now, we have a political candidate running for office on his “blackness”. For all of his life, he has shown his race to be his primary allegiance. He even wrote a book about it called, “Dreams from my father: A story of race and inheritance”. When he got into political trouble over his anti-american pastor, he again tried to redirect the focus in the direction of race, giving an “historic” speech. And when his critics bring legitimate criticisms against him, he responds by turning to race again, most recently saying,

“It is going to be very difficult for Republicans to run on their stewardship of the economy or their outstanding foreign policy. We know what kind of campaign they’re going to run. They’re going to try to make you afraid. They’re going to try to make you afraid of me. He’s young and inexperienced and he’s got a funny name. And did I mention he’s black?“

Many of his supporters share this belief. They would rather vote for someone based on their race than someone who would actually be good for America. That is a very big problem, bigger even than the current debacle with Obama. Obama is merely taking advantage of a trend. Even more disturbing is that Obama isn’t even the race he pretends to be. He’s Arab American, not African American. He’s 50% caucasian, 43.75% arabic, and 6.25% african. One has to be at least 12.5% of a particular race to be recognized as a member of that race, according to federal law. The way he has manipulated many black Americans into identifying with him, and thus, subsequently voting for him is perverse and a sign of a sickness within our society.

The solution is to remind people who they are. We are Americans first. Our race and our heritage is important. It helps define us, makes us unique and diverse as a people – an American people. But what we must always remember, is that it was America who took us in, either from birth or by adoption and has given us the amazing opportunities that we’ve had. And it was America too, that has formed much of our culture, our identity in the world and our very being as individuals.

I know I for one am an American first. And when I saw an American struggling to survive in a boxing match, I couldn’t help but identify with him. When he took blow after he blow, he appeared to be finished, but he got up anyways and kept fighting. And when he won by a split decision, I was there, jumping up and down celebrating with my friend, his father, and the rest of the family. After all, I’m an American too.

Categories: America, Race