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Anonymous Obama campaign staffers reveal all.

November 14, 2008 2 comments

By now, you’ve probably heard of the anonymous McCain campaign staffers who trashed Palin, or the anonymous GOP governors who told CNN they secretly hated her, or the elves helping Santa who contacted the spirit of Teddy Roosevelt, who in turn showed up in Chris Mathews dreams informing him that Abe Lincoln had informed Teddy Roosevelt’s ghost that he didn’t liked what Sarah had done to his party. As luck would have it, it isn’t just the Republicans who secretly go undercover to validate the other party’s talking points, Democrats do it too.  Exactly 598 former Obama staffers have contacted me anonymously with juicy damaging details about their former boss.  Seem unrealistic?  Would you believe 198?  How about just 98?  Ok, 3.  I’m not going any lower than 3.

According to 3 anonymous Obama staffers, Obama:

Hates kittens and old people (see:  John McCain)

Saw the intelligence briefs after winning the election and exclaimed, “Oh crap, what did I get myself into?!”

Originally planned to put “unconditional surrender to terrorists” as the headline for his foreign policy plan before staffers intervened.

Had a Karl Marx poster on his wall before Axelrod forced him to take it down.

Has only sold his body once.

Eats live babies for breakfast.

There you have it, the anonymous Obama staffers have spoken and given us the real dish on Obama.  Now we just have to wait for the media to pick up on this story and report it like they did the other “anonymous” sources…….

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Categories: Myth, Obama, Palin

Palin pwns in debate

October 2, 2008 1 comment

Sorry for the slang in the title.  It seemed appropriate in this rare instance.

The debate in a nutshell:

Palin referenced Biden’s claim that taxes are patriotic early in the debate and used it well.

Biden’s attacks against Palin were utterly feeble. 

Biden did better attacking McCain, but even then his attacks seemed ineffective.  For example, he repeated several times that McCain voted against a bill for troop funding because it contained a timeline.  Your average undecided voter is going to say, “Well duh, McCain is against timelines.”

There were a few questions Palin didn’t seem to like, such as one about a bill regarding bankruptcy.  Nevertheless, she performed well in these circumstances.  She gave no weak answers tonight, unlike Biden, who gave a couple.

Biden started out more comfortable, but began showing signs of discomfort as the debate wore on.  For example, he was caught sighing, tugging his collar, and at the end of the debate began to cry.  Yes, began to cry.

For the first 5 minutes, Palin seemed nervous but quickly overcame it.  She only became stronger and more confident as the debate went on.

Overall, Palin gave a lot more in the way of strong answers than Biden.  She had several excellent responses to his statements as well.  Biden had a few good answers, but they were simply too few and appeared to weak in a few responses as well.

I would’ve been happy with a tie in this debate, but Palin dominated.  Once again, Palin has exceeded expectations – including my own.  Now, let’s see which MSM outlets declare Biden the “winner” or the debate a “tie”.

Categories: Biden, Palin

Major Campaign Issue: Does John McCain have a dog?

September 24, 2008 4 comments

I saw this video a few months ago. In retrospect, it seems completely prescient. Attacking John McCain (and Palin – especially Palin) on random unrelated tangents seems to be the norm for Obama’s campaign.

Categories: Biden, John McCain, Obama, Palin

No death threats in 6 days: What am I doing wrong?

September 20, 2008 7 comments

Ever since this little blog’s inception, I’ve always received a steady supply of death threats from Obama Supporters.  From those first memorable three to grace my inbox after my first article, I have looked forward to reading new threats on my life every day.  However, since Sunday, I have received none.  In fact, ever since the Republican National Convention, I have received very few.  I have three separate theories for this:

A.  I am being ineffective in my criticisms of Obama and his supporters, (at least, less effective than I was when I received death threats more frequently),  and thus, angering fewer Obama Supporters into threatening me.

B.  Obama Supporters are too busy trying to destroy Palin to send me new threats.

C.  The Democrats got a bill through legalizing marijuana without me noticing, and the Obama Supporters are capitalizing on this new freedom.

Any other blog authors experience a similiar phenomenon?

New Obama Attack: Palin hoarding X chromosomes.

September 10, 2008 Leave a comment

The following email came to me this morning from an important staffer in the Obama campaign:

Damnit Fred! I specifically asked you not to post any of my email in your blog and you posted the whole thing! Don’t you ever do that again you Jewish bastard! Meh, who am I kidding. I should have known you’d do that. Anyways, since Obama seems intent on making a fool of himself anyways, I suppose it doesn’t matter. So, I guess it’s ok for you to use the info I give you about the Obama campaign. Just tell your readers my name is M. Klorveskinson, actually, make that Mike K. With that out of the way, I got the data you wanted, and I think you’ll be interested to know about something that happened recently.

It all started on Monday as we sat around a big conference table. In attendance was Barack, Michelle, Axelrod, myself, and several other staffers – Biden was out drinking again. Obama had just upgraded my job – so not only did I play inspirational music whenever he entered a room, but I also hit the play button for the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey whenever he had an idea. As a result, I was feeling giddy. The others were not. The newest poll numbers came in, and they were bad. Obama was down, McCain was up – big. Something had to be done.

“This is ridiculous. I can’t believe our last attack on Palin backfired,” muttered Axelrod as he banged his head against the table.

“I can’t believe it either. And the press loved my newest attack!” Obama moaned.

“…and I was so proud this time,” Michelle whined.

“Is there any hope left for us?” Obama seemed on the edge of tears. I had to intervene.

“Well, there’s your slogan: Hope. You still have that. Besides, there’s got to be other ways to attack her. She may have two X chromosomes, but she’s not unassailable,” I offered, trying to be helpful.

“What was that?” Obama seemed to perk up.

“Uh, she’s not unassailable?”

“No, the other part, about the chlorophones.”

“Chromosomes you mean…..She has two of them…..why do you ask?”

“Hit the play button.”

“Why, you’re already entered the room, besides aren’t you getting kind of tired of Chariots of Fire?”

“No, the music for when I am thinking! Do it now!” Obama was almost shouting. I hit the play button and the music started.

“She’s got two X chromosomes…….so she’s a mutant! We finally got ‘er! I’m a genius!” Obama declared.

“Ooh! Ooh! We can play a class warfare angle on this! We can say she’s hoarding them – a clear indication that she’s out of touch. This is way better than McCain’s wife having a bunch of houses!” Axelrod was almost standing on his chair. He loved class warfare themes.

“Wait, how many X chromosomes are needed to live?” Michelle asked, before going back to pulling the wings off a butterfly.

“Good question, let’s ask a scientist,” Axelrod answered.

“Ok, what do they look like?” Michelle asked.

“Uh, I can answer that question”, a brave young aide said, “Technically, a human being only needs one, and we call those that have one mal—“

“Stop right there. Thanks, that’s all we needed to know. You, freckled aide with the glasses, go write a speech for Obama.” Axelrod seemed pleased with himself. The interrupted aide looked troubled.

Thirty minutes passed while we waiting for the aide to return with the speech. It wasn’t long before it was loaded up into the teleprompters installed onto the table to allow Obama to participate in the discussions. Obama gleefully read it over once, then began his first run-through:

“My fellow Americans, we have engaged in a spirited debate over many important issues with our opponents, Sarah Palin and the old guy. I would have loved to have continued the race in this manner except that my campaign has uncovered a terrible secret about Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin has kept this terrible secret for years now and her campaign failed to discover it in the vetting process. Sarah is a mutant! She probably has fangs and tentacles! She even smells like…..”

“That’s not going to work, here let me change it from the fifth sentence down,” Axelrod interjected. He grabbed the page from the teleprompters and Obama’s face returned to its normal blank expression. He scribbled on a few times then put it back into the teleprompter.

“Start from the fifth line.” Axelrod commanded. Obama obeyed.

“It has come to our attention that Sarah Palin is hoarding an inordinate number of chromosomes. In fact, she has five less than the number of houses John McCain’s wife has. She could have only gotten these extraneous chromosomes by oppressing the poor in order to exploit their labors. However, my plan as president will include a special taxation for the wealthiest 50% of those owning X chromosomes, forcing them to redistribute them to those less fortunate.”

“That’s much better. We’re ready for show time,” Axelrod was pumped.

“There’s just one more thing I got to do, before I finally win this thing. I’ve got to gloat.” Obama was giddy.

“Oh god, please not to her. Barry you promised me you’d stop calling her!” Michelle stopped momentarily from crushing a kitten with her heels to protest Obama’s apparent decision.

“Relax, this is the last time,” Obama reassured.

Obama left the room with an aide lugging his mobile teleprompter. I ran quickly to the next room to hit the play button as he entered. Obama grabbed the phone and dialed.

“Hello?” A voice answered.

“Hi. Hillary, it’s me, Obama.”

“Damnit Barry, why do you always insist on calling me at 3am!? It was just an ad, not meant to be taken as the literal time that people call when in distress.”

“I’m not in distress this time. I’m going to beat Sarah Palin and the old guy. I found out Sarah Palin has two X chromosomes!”

“And?” Hillary was not impressed.

“AND?! Didn’t you just hear me! She’s hoarding them! And, uh, she’s a mutant!”

That was all I could bear. I went back to the conference room and told another staffer to hit play when Obama reentered. Then I went to the lounge and waited. It wasn’t long before I heard the all-too familiar commotion in the conference room. So, with coffee in hand, I rejoined the meeting, only to find Obama in the fetal position.

“We were so close…..Why! WHY SARAH PALIN! WHY!” Obama was losing it.

“I hate to be the optimist in this campaign of hope, but thank god for Hillary. She just saved us from another embarrassment. Besides Obama, you can still use your attack on Palin. You just need to make it more subtle. Try using words like “lipstick” or “that thing that smells like fish” to describe her instead of calling her by name,” I suggested.

“Really?”

“Yea, and I just thought of a new slogan for you too.”

The rest is history.

(Obama Supporters, this is satire.)

Inside the Republican strategy: Countering Obama’s sexism

September 10, 2008 4 comments

Obama just compared Sarah Palin to a pig when he said, “You can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig”.

Naturally, any decent human being would be outraged by such a statement. It’s understandable to get angry and call for McCain to respond with equal vitriol in a snappy response to Obama. Understandable, but would it be smart? No.

Try looking back a few months ago. Obama was up in the polls, still enjoying his post-nomination bounce, while McCain seemed to be struggling to keep up. Obama released a myriad of unfair attacks against McCain daily. If there was one cry in the Republican party, it was, “John, fight back!” But John McCain never responded in kind.

Now, McCain is on top in a dominating position with a powerfully transformative new VP at his side. What happened?

1. Palin. McCain tricked Obama into picking a weak vp by forcing the experience argument. McCain then turned around and picked a strong vp by comparison.

2. Little jabs. Ads like “The One” and “Celebrity” were little jabs at Obama, not big attacks, but they developed a theme. They eroded Obama’s lead to nil going into the conventions.

3. Overexposure. According to pew research, 48% of Americans feel they are hearing too much about Obama. Compare that to only 26% who feel the same about McCain. Incidentally, Obama’s biggest selling point was his “newness”. By allowing Obama to hog the spotlight, McCain let Obama to undercut his own message.

None of these strategies required McCain to make a large public attack on Obama, and they WORKED.

With the race effectively changed forever by the introduction of Sarah Palin, the new Republican strategy will look like this:

1. McCain will highlight Obama’s, the Media’s and the far-left’s attacks on Palin, but they won’t allow it to become a central theme of their campaign. Palin is not a victim, and the McCain campaign isn’t going to market her as such. Nevertheless, drawing attention to the some of the most outrageous attacks on her, especially ones that can be traced to Obama, will expose the intellectual and emotional weakness of his ideology.

2. Little jabs. Expect a continuation of this theme from the pre-Palin election cycle.

3. Limit Palin’s direct exposure. The American public is hungry to learn more about Palin. McCain will keep this hunger in suspense, and not risk making Obama’s error, by controlling the venues that Palin speaks in. This will keep the excitement she now enjoys high through election day.

4. September/October surprise. Sorry, can’t talk about this one in detail. Let me just say this – Obama’s got something big coming his way, and he’s not going to like it. McCain and Palin are just getting started.

I understand the impulse to attack back against the slanders coming towards the world’s most famous mother of five, but one must remember – the real goal and best possible response for McCain and Palin is to win.

New Obama Slogan: “Love”

September 8, 2008 3 comments

Hundreds of journalists waited anxiously as Obama was preparing to arrive. His campaign had sent out an email to all of the major news organizations, informing them that Obama was about to give a speech to dwarf all others previously brought before. The past week and a half had been depressing for many of the left-wing journalists, so they were hungry for good news. Obama finally came out and approached the microphone and teleprompters:

“As many of you may be aware, something terrible happened to our country this month….” Obama began.

“9-11!” a man interrupted.

“No, Sarah Palin. Our country is in the most desperate times since the civil war in 1739. But, what makes our country great, is the way in which we come together to fight the forces of Sarah Palin with each and every new generation.” Obama paused to wipe away a tear.

“And even in our darkest hour, when it actually looks like I might not be president after all….”

The audience of journalists gasped in horror. Several began crying. Obama knew he had to lead them back to the light.

“Now hold on a minute”, Obama read from the teleprompter, “This isn’t over yet, not by a longshot. The American people aren’t finished. We won’t give in to Sarah Palin’s excessive use of the “x” chromosome. I have a plan.” Obama explained firmly.

The journalists were at the edge of their seats.

“In this campaign, I have introduced the concept of the hope, and the idea of change. By hoping for the economy to change, we can get lots of new jobs and more money and free stuff. By changing our cynicism into hope, we can vote for me instead of that other guy. Through my economic policy of hope, and my social policy of change, we have come very far. But we still have a ways yet to go.” Obama beamed as he spoke. A sense that something big was about to leap out of his mouth was in the air and everyone felt it.

“Love. My new foreign policy. Love. Iran wants to annihilate Isreal. We will send them love. Russia invades other countries without asking permission. They’re just looking for love. Sarah Palin, however, cannot be reasoned with. She is bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad……” Obama panicked. The teleprompter got stuck with “bad” being the last word on the screen. Obama knew he had to do something fast.

“Uh, uh. HOPE! CHANGE! LOVE! YES WE CAN! HOPE! CHANGE! LOVE! YES WE CAN!” Obama defaulted on his campaign slogans. It always seemed to work whenever the teleprompter broke.

“HOPE! CHANGE! LOVE! YES WE CAN! HOPE! CHANGE! LOVE! YES WE CAN!” Soon the whole crowd of journalists were chanting along with him. A delirious ecstasy punctuated the atmosphere as the chant reached a fever pitch. Obama brushed a moth off his coat into the crowd and several were trampled to death trying to reach the insect that had touched the Holy One. Keith Olbermann was hospitalized due to a violent orgasm that occurred 5 minutes after the chanting began. The left leg of Chris Mathews is also said to be in critical condition.

The print media reacted quickly, distributing headlines such as, “Obama makes greatest speech of all time”, “Obama invents Love”, “Hope! Change! Love! Yes We Can!”. Most of the major TV networks, however, were unable to find any reporters able to discuss the story on air without bursting into tears.

To all of this great fanfare, applause, and lauding of Mr. Obama by the media, the McCain/Palin campaign released the following statement:

“Dear Mr. Obama,
See you in November.”

(Obama Supporters, this is satire.)