Kathleen Sibelius discovers secret Obama code.
It was just a normal press conference and Kathleen Sibelius was busy informing us that Obama is black:
“Have any of you noticed that Barack Obama is part African-American? That may be a factor. All the code language, all that doesn’t show up in the polls. And that may be a factor for some people.”
Then, suddenly, a voice from behind the curtain rang out, “Kathleen, no! Don’t tell them about the code!”
Before anyone knew what had happened, black helicopters sprang up from behind a grassy knoll and men wearing all black jumped out and took Kathleen away.
What did she mean, “code language”? I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I approached a friend of mine who knew her well, asking him what she meant. He explained:
“She was referring to the secret code Republicans are using. Every time they use a magic secret code to remind people that Obama is black, it causes people to not vote for him.”
It didn’t make sense. I pried further:
“Wait, didn’t Kathleen herself just go out of her way to remind people Obama is black. And do voters really need to be reminded by “secret code” words to realize Obama has a dark appearance? On top of that, if these code words are “secret”, how the hell are the voters supposed to get the message? And one more thing, if these Republicans are using such powerful “code words”, why haven’t they gotten more of the vote?”
My friend was dumbfounded. He spoke haltingly, “Because, um, because, Obama is using code too! There, I said it! Are you happy now you dirty jew?”
I had no more to say to my old friend. Immediately I scoured every old video I could find of Obama giving speeches. I really didn’t know what to look for. After hours of listening to him drone on about hope and change and himself, the answer finally dawned on me:
The “uh”! Obama was using some sort of Morse-like “uh” code! After several hours of pattern checking, I discovered the following sequence:
Uh, uh….uh….uh, uh, uh….uh……..uh….uh, uh, uh….uh, uh, uh, uh….uh, uh
This exact sequence repeats OVER and OVER, whenever Obama isn’t using a teleprompter. After several more hours of code-breaking, I noticed that the frequency of the uh’s multiplied the span between them relative to the fraction of the total sequence gave small integer numerical values which correlated to certain letters. Put all together, the above pattern translates into:
“Vote for me, you idiot.”
So our Democratic friends are right – the entire election hinges entirely on secret subliminal messages sent by candidates to secretly hypnotize people into voting for them and informing them that Obama is black. One question remains – whose secret code language magic hypnotism words are better, McCain’s or Obama’s?
(Obama Supporters, this is satire.)