New Obama Attack: Palin hoarding X chromosomes.
The following email came to me this morning from an important staffer in the Obama campaign:
Damnit Fred! I specifically asked you not to post any of my email in your blog and you posted the whole thing! Don’t you ever do that again you Jewish bastard! Meh, who am I kidding. I should have known you’d do that. Anyways, since Obama seems intent on making a fool of himself anyways, I suppose it doesn’t matter. So, I guess it’s ok for you to use the info I give you about the Obama campaign. Just tell your readers my name is M. Klorveskinson, actually, make that Mike K. With that out of the way, I got the data you wanted, and I think you’ll be interested to know about something that happened recently.
It all started on Monday as we sat around a big conference table. In attendance was Barack, Michelle, Axelrod, myself, and several other staffers – Biden was out drinking again. Obama had just upgraded my job – so not only did I play inspirational music whenever he entered a room, but I also hit the play button for the theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey whenever he had an idea. As a result, I was feeling giddy. The others were not. The newest poll numbers came in, and they were bad. Obama was down, McCain was up – big. Something had to be done.
“This is ridiculous. I can’t believe our last attack on Palin backfired,” muttered Axelrod as he banged his head against the table.
“I can’t believe it either. And the press loved my newest attack!” Obama moaned.
“…and I was so proud this time,” Michelle whined.
“Is there any hope left for us?” Obama seemed on the edge of tears. I had to intervene.
“Well, there’s your slogan: Hope. You still have that. Besides, there’s got to be other ways to attack her. She may have two X chromosomes, but she’s not unassailable,” I offered, trying to be helpful.
“What was that?” Obama seemed to perk up.
“Uh, she’s not unassailable?”
“No, the other part, about the chlorophones.”
“Chromosomes you mean…..She has two of them…..why do you ask?”
“Hit the play button.”
“Why, you’re already entered the room, besides aren’t you getting kind of tired of Chariots of Fire?”
“No, the music for when I am thinking! Do it now!” Obama was almost shouting. I hit the play button and the music started.
“She’s got two X chromosomes…….so she’s a mutant! We finally got ‘er! I’m a genius!” Obama declared.
“Ooh! Ooh! We can play a class warfare angle on this! We can say she’s hoarding them – a clear indication that she’s out of touch. This is way better than McCain’s wife having a bunch of houses!” Axelrod was almost standing on his chair. He loved class warfare themes.
“Wait, how many X chromosomes are needed to live?” Michelle asked, before going back to pulling the wings off a butterfly.
“Good question, let’s ask a scientist,” Axelrod answered.
“Ok, what do they look like?” Michelle asked.
“Uh, I can answer that question”, a brave young aide said, “Technically, a human being only needs one, and we call those that have one mal—“
“Stop right there. Thanks, that’s all we needed to know. You, freckled aide with the glasses, go write a speech for Obama.” Axelrod seemed pleased with himself. The interrupted aide looked troubled.
Thirty minutes passed while we waiting for the aide to return with the speech. It wasn’t long before it was loaded up into the teleprompters installed onto the table to allow Obama to participate in the discussions. Obama gleefully read it over once, then began his first run-through:
“My fellow Americans, we have engaged in a spirited debate over many important issues with our opponents, Sarah Palin and the old guy. I would have loved to have continued the race in this manner except that my campaign has uncovered a terrible secret about Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin has kept this terrible secret for years now and her campaign failed to discover it in the vetting process. Sarah is a mutant! She probably has fangs and tentacles! She even smells like…..”
“That’s not going to work, here let me change it from the fifth sentence down,” Axelrod interjected. He grabbed the page from the teleprompters and Obama’s face returned to its normal blank expression. He scribbled on a few times then put it back into the teleprompter.
“Start from the fifth line.” Axelrod commanded. Obama obeyed.
“It has come to our attention that Sarah Palin is hoarding an inordinate number of chromosomes. In fact, she has five less than the number of houses John McCain’s wife has. She could have only gotten these extraneous chromosomes by oppressing the poor in order to exploit their labors. However, my plan as president will include a special taxation for the wealthiest 50% of those owning X chromosomes, forcing them to redistribute them to those less fortunate.”
“That’s much better. We’re ready for show time,” Axelrod was pumped.
“There’s just one more thing I got to do, before I finally win this thing. I’ve got to gloat.” Obama was giddy.
“Oh god, please not to her. Barry you promised me you’d stop calling her!” Michelle stopped momentarily from crushing a kitten with her heels to protest Obama’s apparent decision.
“Relax, this is the last time,” Obama reassured.
Obama left the room with an aide lugging his mobile teleprompter. I ran quickly to the next room to hit the play button as he entered. Obama grabbed the phone and dialed.
“Hello?” A voice answered.
“Hi. Hillary, it’s me, Obama.”
“Damnit Barry, why do you always insist on calling me at 3am!? It was just an ad, not meant to be taken as the literal time that people call when in distress.”
“I’m not in distress this time. I’m going to beat Sarah Palin and the old guy. I found out Sarah Palin has two X chromosomes!”
“And?” Hillary was not impressed.
“AND?! Didn’t you just hear me! She’s hoarding them! And, uh, she’s a mutant!”
That was all I could bear. I went back to the conference room and told another staffer to hit play when Obama reentered. Then I went to the lounge and waited. It wasn’t long before I heard the all-too familiar commotion in the conference room. So, with coffee in hand, I rejoined the meeting, only to find Obama in the fetal position.
“We were so close…..Why! WHY SARAH PALIN! WHY!” Obama was losing it.
“I hate to be the optimist in this campaign of hope, but thank god for Hillary. She just saved us from another embarrassment. Besides Obama, you can still use your attack on Palin. You just need to make it more subtle. Try using words like “lipstick” or “that thing that smells like fish” to describe her instead of calling her by name,” I suggested.
“Yea, and I just thought of a new slogan for you too.”
The rest is history.
(Obama Supporters, this is satire.)