New Obama Attack: Palin too competent and ethical to lead. Oh, and did we mention she’s a woman?
The following story was received by email from an aide within the Obama campaign:
As I sat in the Obama anti-Palin war room, the tv flickered with Palin’s fair face – eyes dancing between the two teleprompters. And she wouldn’t stop smiling. Attack after attack rang out against Obama, always smiling. She accused Obama of being inexperienced. She smiled. She implied he was ignorant. Still smiling. And damnit, it worked. The focus groups loved it.
A creeping sense of dread filled the air with every positive word she spoke. She was too nice and it was making us look bad. We had to do something and fast.
Obama broke the silence, “Ok, how do we attack her now?”
Axelrod spoke, “We tried attacking her on inexperience, that backfired and we had to retract, we attacked her kids, that backfired and we even had to pretend to have nothing to do with the Daily Kos.”
“I knew I should have never done that Kos debate”, Obama pouted.
“I don’t think attacking her record will work either, it’ll just make people look closer at yours Barry.” Axelrod thought deeply.
“Ugh, this makes me sick! She’s almost as good at speeches as I am! Jesus never had a sidekick, why must she tag along on my great speakingerness?” Obama, for the first time in two years, did not exude infinite self-confidence. It was an odd moment.
Michelle Obama had an idea though, “Ooh! Ooh! She’s a typical white person! I’ve got some great lines for attacking whi……”
“No thanks Michelle, we tried that already”, Obama interrupted.
“What if we attack her children some more?” an aide suggested.
“Once again, already been tried.” Obama was clearly becoming impatient now.
“Hmm. Ed Reskinsorkinson, what traits did the focus groups say they associated with Palin?” Axelrod must have had a plan.
“Hot. Really hot.”
“Other than that, Ed.” Axelrod was not amused.
“Well, her two biggest political traits, according to the focus groups are “competent” and “ethical”. In fact, over 78% of voters see her as……”
“Then those are the traits we’ll attack her on.” Axelrod said matter of factly. Obama nodded in agreement and Michelle went back to strangling a puppy.
I couldn’t keep it in any longer. They were about to make fools of themselves again, and I just wanted so BAD for hope and change and to be the one I’m waiting for that I couldn’t let them do it. Despite being an unimportant staffer, (my job was to hit the play button for the inspirational music whenever Obama entered a room at our HQ), I felt that my voice needed to be heard. So, as plainly, calmly, and politely as I could, I submitted my most humble opinion:
“ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F***ING MINDS?! Those are GOOD traits, the American people will never buy it!”
“Listen here young staffer, and listen good. My name is David Axelrod and I am a KINGMAKER. So let me explain how this works. You know how Obama gives a good speech? Most people consider that a plus, right? Republicans turned it against him by making it a bad thing and made several ads about it, like, The One, and Celebrity. And as for the American people not “buying” what we tell them, look at how many have ALREADY voted for Obama.”
He made some good points, but after having just put myself out there, and in front of the messiah, I knew I had to go all the way.
“That’s not going to work. You can’t spin competence. What are you going to say, that she’s TOO competent!?”
Obama’s face lit up, and soothing words left his mouth, “Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I like, uh, that, uh, one.”
“Brilliant! And with Rezko and Ayers, we can use the ethics issue to create contrast with Obama! We’ll make ethics into a bad thing, just like we did with low taxes, decreased spending, personal responsibility, flag pins, etc”, Axelrod intoned, “And we can say she’s an extremist too. Too extremely competent, too extremely ethical.”
Obama grinned and a holy light shone from his body, healing my genital warts.
Nervous staffers watching the meeting got to work immediately, drafting the new slogan, “Palin: Too competent and ethical to lead. Oh, and did we mention she’s a woman?”
Obama levitated out of the room and gleefully supervised speech writers making the words for his beloved teleprompters.
One speech writer turned to Obama and asked, “How does this sound: My fellow Americans, America cannot afford someone as ethical and competent as Sarah Palin. She’s an extremist on these positions. In fact, she doesn’t even hope for change.”
Obama laughed and smiled. His answer was clear. These attacks will be hitting the campaign any day now. As much affection as I have for Obama as a Lightworker with tender nipples, I simply cannot aid his campaign anymore in driving itself into the ground. I realize that when Obama made God so God could make the earth, God intended things differently than this. Maybe Obama needs to have a talk with God. I don’t know. What I do know is that I’m finished. So, I’m sharing with you my tale. Just please, whatever you do, don’t put it up on your blog.
(Obama Supporters, this is satire.)