New Conspiracy theory: Barack Obama is the mother, Not Palin
Rumors have been flying that Sarah Palin is not the mother of her child, Trig. These rumors are true, Barack Obama is the mother. In this article, this will be proven beyond the shadow of a doubt.
On August 4th, 1961, Barack Obama descended from heaven, leaving God to watch over things in his stead, lowering himself prostratedly to the position of mere leader of the free world. He also wants to be president.
Unfortunately, the great inerrant one accidentally allowed himself to be born into the body of a female. Probably a hair trigger decision.
(Because his final gender was male, we will refer to him as a “he” for the duration of this article.)
As the time drew near for him to become the president, he contacted plastic surgeon Rafael Klorveskinson, who is speaking on condition of complete anonymity.
“He came into my office and said, ‘Doc, make me a man!’ So, over the course of several surgeries, I did”, Rafael told me.
All known pictures of Obama before his sex changes have been destroyed or eaten by Ted Kennedy. The following photo was taken before the final surgery was completed:
Note the curvature of his very feminine breast and the nipple pressing against the cloth in a vain hope to be released. A comparison between a man’s chest and Obama’s:
A man’s pectoral muscles are divided vertically. In the case of Obama’s breasts, they start next to each other then diverge away from each other, eventually forming individual parabolas. This is typical for a woman’s chest, not a man’s. This is clear proof that Obama was born female.
Obama’s sex-change kept his internal reproductive prowess intact. Indeed, after having had two daughters before the sex-change, Barack Obama was impregnated again by Michelle Obama, or, was it Howard Dean? Donna Brazile? Obama says he can’t quite remember that evening. Regardless, Barack Obama became pregnant at a most unfortunate time – right at the start of his campaign. Wanting to prevent a scandal, he did his best to hide it. Unfortunately for Obama, several photographs have now surfaced clearly showing a bulge – proving him to be the mother of Palin’s baby:
The reporter on the left is clearly interested in the large bulge pressing against the white fabric of Obama’s shirt. Obama was going to have to do something or else someone was going to find out. His pal Axelrod formed a plan. He cloned Obama, then sent the un-pregnant clone to go speak for Obama. However, on several occasions the Obama clone accidentally answered questions correctly instead of giving the Obama position. This had many in the Obama camp worried, but they had little choice but to thrust the clone into the public. Then the clone picked all sorts of wild positions, giving Obama the appearance of flip flopping continuously. The real Obama became very angry and challenged the Obama clone to debate. The results weren’t pretty.
Pregnancy caused many physical problems for Obama like back pain, making seemingly simple tasks, like scoring higher than 37 in bowling nearly impossible. His appetite became voracious and unpredictable. At one point, he attacked a Pizza Hut, eating all inside – as well as the pizza:
While he had been able to stand behind a podium during the debate, covering his bulge, he knew that he wouldn’t always have that option. So he hatched a plan: Abortion.
He found Dr. Rafael Klorveskinson again and went in for an abortion. Unfortunately, being immortal, Obama was impervious to any sort of harm or medical alteration. As a result, all abortion attempts failed and the baby, unhappy with being continually stabbed in the neck with scissors, leapt out of Obama and strangled Dr. Rafael Klorveskinson to death, who is speaking on condition of anonymity. It seemed some of Obama’s divine radiance had transferred to the baby. He knew he had to get rid of it. Then, Obama had a vision of a woman in Alaska who could lead to his defeat in the fall. So he cursed the baby with down’s syndrome and sent it to that strange woman in 58th state, hoping it would ruin her.
Palin, being an evil Republican, oppressed the baby with food, shelter, and affection. She knew she needed an explanation for having suddenly acquired a baby, so she told the press she had been secretly pregnant, stuffed herself with pillows every day for a month, then introduced the baby to the world.
And that’s how Palin got Obama’s baby.
Considering the OVERWHELMING evidence to support this theory, I must wonder why it hasn’t been brought up sooner. Obama showed countless distinctly female traits:
An obsession with stuffed animals.
Makes Ted Kennedy smile and isn’t booze.
Last but not least, Obama is so feminine, he makes regular women seem unusually masculine when placed next to him. Behold:
(Obama Supporters, this is satire.)