The Great Obama Vs. Obama Debate!
Moderator: Well folks, tonight we have another major political debate. This time, our challengers will be Democrat Senator Barack Obama and Democrat Senator Barack Obama. While both Democrats, they hold very different positions on many important issues. Let’s get started on the questions:
Moderator: How do you feel about the U.S. withdrawing from Iraq as some have proposed?
Obama: There’s not much difference between my position and George Bush’s position at this stage. The failure of the Iraqi state would be a disaster. It would be a betrayal of the promise that we made to the Iraqi people, and it would be hugely destabilizing from a national security perspective.
Obama: Look, I opposed this war from the start. We have to send a clear message to the Iraqi government as well as to the surrounding neighbors that there is no military solution to the problems that we face in Iraq. So we have to begin a phased withdrawal; have our combat troops out by March 31st of next year.
Moderator: The Supreme Court recently made a landmark decision overturning the DC gun bans in favor of upholding the second amendment. Do you support state legislation to ban the manufacture, sale and possession of handguns?
Obama: I believe the second amendment creates an individual right, and greatly respect the constitutional rights of Americans to bear arms.
Moderator: The subject of decriminalizing marijuana has resurfaced in political debate. Do you support the legalization of marijuana?
Obama: I think we need to rethink and decriminalize our marijuana laws.
Obama: I’m not somebody who believes in legalization of marijuana.
Moderator: The question of whether the president has the right to spy on terrorists has been a question of both national security and domestic liberties. Much of this debate has centered around the FISA bill which you have both voted on. What are your thoughts on the debate?
Obama: Given the grave threats that we face, our national security agencies must have the capability to gather intelligence and track down terrorists before they strike.
Obama: We are trying to protect the American people, not special interests like the telecommunications industry. We are trying to ensure that we don’t sacrifice our liberty in pursuit of security, and it is past time for the Administration to join us in that effort.
Moderator: Is Iran a threat to the U.S. in your view?
Obama: Iran, Cuba, Venezuela, these countries are tiny compared to the Soviet Union. They don’t pose a serious threat to us the way the Soviet Union posed a threat to us….You know, Iran, they spend one-one hundredth of what we spend on the military. If Iran ever tried to pose a serious threat to us, they wouldn’t stand a chance.
Obama: I’ve made it clear for years that the threat from Iran is grave. It has an illicit nuclear program. It supports terrorism across the region and militias in Iraq. It threatens Israel’s existence.
Moderator: What is your policy on Free Trade agreements such as the North American Free Trade Agreement?
Obama: I believe in free trade. And as somebody who’s lived overseas, who has family overseas, I’ve seen what’s happened in terms of rising living standards around the globe. That’s a good thing for America, it’s good for our national security.
Obama: I didn’t just start criticizing unfair trade deals like NAFTA because I started running for office – I’m doing it because I’ve seen what happens to a community when the factory closes down and the jobs move overseas.
Moderator: Excuse me, a minor clarification: The North American Free Trade Agreement only involves countries which are in North America. That would be Canada, Mexico, and the 50 states. At no point does “overseas” become involved.
Obama: I’ve now been to 57 states…..
Moderator: I see. I said that there were 50 states and now you are trying to “correct” me. Obama, for the sake of the debate, I highly recommend that you continue your debate with Obama and avoid making claims involving geography.
Moderator: We’re going to move on to the recent discussion of Reverend Wright. As many of you know, Reverend Wright has made a number of controversial statements including asking God to “damn America”. We’d like to ask the candidates a few questions about their relationship to Wright.
Moderator: First, did you know that Wright was making such controversial statements?
Obama: You know, frankly I didn’t. I wasn’t in church during the time that these statements were made.
Obama: Did I hear him make remarks that could be considered controversial while I sat in the church? Yes.
Moderator: How do you justify or explain your willful presence in the church for 20 years?
Obama: Had I known that many of these comments were being made, I would’ve confronted Revered Wright directly.
Obama: He’s like a crazy uncle.
Obama: I can no more disown him than I can disown the black community.
Obama: His comments were not only divisive and destructive, but I believe that they end up giving comfort to those who prey on hate, and I believe that they do not portray accurately the perspective of the black church.
Moderator: Pardon me for interrupting, but only one response is allowed per question. Your opponent, Obama, hasn’t even had a chance to respond. Obama, since you will only get a single response to this question, and since your opponent went over the time limit, I’m going to give you follow-up questions to your response. Ok, same question, how do you justify or explain your willful presence in the church for 20 years?
Obama: Not once in my conversations with him have I heard him talk about any ethnic group in derogatory terms, or treat whites with whom he interacted with anything but courtesy and respect.
Moderator: But in your book, “Dreams from my Father”, you explicitly stated that Wright railed against “white man’s greed”. Do you agree or disagree with Revered Wright’s comments on white people?
Obama: They certainly don’t portray accurately my values and beliefs. And if Rev. Wright thinks that that’s political posturing, as he put it, then he doesn’t know me very well.
Moderator: But you said in your book, “Dreams from my Father”, “That’s just how white folks will do you….It was as if white folks didn’t know they were being cruel in the first place. Or at least thought you deserving of their scorn.”
Moderator: Do you still feel that way? Obama? Obama, where are you going?
Obama: Oh come on now, I mean I just answered like, 8 questions.
Moderator: Well, that concludes our debate between Senator Barack Obama and Senator Barack Obama. They hold very different positions on important issues, and I’m glad we were able to discuss them here tonight. Incidentally, only one of the two candidates is still in the building, so we will not have any closing arguments. Thank you Senator Obama for coming to this debate and staying through its duration. Thank you audience for withholding your applause as was requested. And everyone have a good night.
Note: All responses are quoted from Senator Barack Obama – some taken directly from his own website. Only the moderator and the event is fictional. Still, if Obama was ever kind enough to debate himself, I suspect that it would look something like this.