A guide to Obama supporters

How to identify an Obama supporter: As you are navigating your daily business, you may come across Obama supporters. They have been known to attack (mostly verbal threats and ad hominem) unprovoked. Preferring thought over emotion and facts over slogans is something of a blasphemous crime to an Obama supporter. In addition, if you should form an opinion about Obama without his express permission, you may be accused of being a racist. The purpose of this guide is to help you identify Obama supporters before they get the chance to dampen your day.

It should be noted that there are several species of Obama supporters.

O’Zombies: With glazed eyes and vacant stares, these subdued types can generally be found online. Their speech consists of incoherent rehashes of Obama phrases and, “like” and “y’know”. After having surrendered most cognitive ability to be used as seen fit by the Obama campaign, they generally possess just barely enough to be able to upload a video to Youtube. However, some aren’t so lucky and eventually starve to death having forgotten how to eat. They are not particularly dangerous, often not even aware of your presence when you are standing next to one. Some have suggested that merely being near one or watching their videos can be detrimental to one’s IQ. Avoidance recommended.

Obamatons: Also known as obamabots. Ever since Lenin nurtured the first breeds of useful idiots, communists have continually strived to create better useful idiots – ones that were stronger, faster, more useful than the previous generation. The obamaton is one which has been upgraded to the predictability of a machine. The obamaton seeks out communications relevant to Obama on the internet then responds. There are only two known responses. If the obamaton detects a statement which is positive regarding Obama, the obamaton will respond with requests for money. If the obamaton detects a statement which is negative or even neutral regarding Obama, the obamaton will respond by shrieking “RACIST!” repeatedly. Obamatons are only found online. They are sometimes known as “trolls”. The fact that they have yet to have a spine installed prevents offline activity.

O’lattes: To understand an O’latte, you must put yourself in his shoes. An O’latte believes he’s better than everyone else. And while he enjoys sneering at poor people and chastizing those who dare to question his supreme intellect, he is somewhat depressed. “Why can’t the world be more like me?” he wonders. Then, like a ray of sunlight, Obama appears. “Hey, he thinks he’s better than everyone else just like me!” exclaims the O’latte. Finally, the O’latte finds hope, knowing he is no longer alone in his narcissism. O’lattes are not dangerous, but nevertheless extremely annoying.

Obombers: These are Obama’s enforcers. Brutish and mute, these not-so-gentle giants have been known to become physically aggressive. While their actions range from roughing up old women at rules commitees to blocking camera shots for Fox News, they invariably use force. Little is known what motivates them to serve Obama unquestioningly. Some speculate that Obama supplies them with a daily ration of gruel and they reward him with unfaltering loyalty. They are moderately dangerous.

Yeswecans: Hailing from the make-believe land of Yesweca, these Obama supporters live in a fantasy world. In that world, Obama can heal the sick, stop wars by waving his hand, fly, summon unicorns, and coat the landscape with Obama-rectal derived pixie dust. When they are suddenly torn from their parallel dimension and thrown into our world, (known as reality), they tend to exhibit wild mood swings and the negative behaviors which often accompany them. For the most part, they have a surreally optimistic view of Obama and bubble with enthusiasm. However, when confronted with Obama’s mortal enemies, facts and logic, they will lash out in defense of their deity. There have been many speculations as to the true nature of Yeswecans. Some opine that Yeswecans are best understood as cultists, (see: The Church of Obamism), while still others suggest the root to be a mental disorder, (see: Obamitis). Regardless of the cause, Yeswecans can be extremely dangerous and should be avoided whenever possible.

Obamelites: They’ve turned politics into a business and Obama is their cash cow. A number of super-delegates fit this mold. They generally cluster around Obama in a protective swarm and rarely consort with the “little” people. They are almost never seen in public but often on TV. Because of their rarity in public, they are not much of a threat in terms of individual controntation. But regarding the power they intend to wield as a bludgeon, they have great potential to damage America as a whole. In addition, they are known to betray former supporters/supportees on the turn of a dime, or, perhaps more accurately, in exchange for a dime. They should never be trusted.

Under normal circumstances, I would not assume that anyone reaches an opinion through a character flaw or extreme ignorance. But Obama supporters are an exception. Obama supporters continually slander and verbally bully those who dare to think differently than they. That is a clear indication of a character flaw. Obama supporters often know much less about their own candidate (not to mention history and geography) than the average person on the street that doesn’t even follow politics. Then there are the Obamelites. Pure greed. I suggest that Obama supporters support their Marxist candidate for personal flaws because none have yet given me another reason. If there is an Obama supporter out there with another reason, I’d love to meet that person.

And with that said, I do sympathize with Obama supporters. Some of them are Americans too (I don’t count the communists), even when they’ve lost their way. Indeed, I can only imagine their horror when they find out they’ve willfully supported a madman. As the buyer’s remorse spreads, undoubtedly many more will. Let’s be sure to catch them when they fall, not for the Democratic party, not for the Republican party, but for America.